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User blog:NodPrime/SCP-Pootis-J
CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█ Item #: SCP-Pootis-J Object Class: SANDVICH Special Containment Procedures: SCP-Pootis-J is to be kept in a Ham-lined containment chamber located in Red base, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 100,000 killer babies armed with Bullets. In the event that SCP-Pootis-J ever begins Killing its MY SPIIIIINE, Soldier is to Slap SCP-Pootis-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force Sandvich-7 (Red Team) is to be dispatched to SCP-Pootis-J's last known location. Description: SCP-Pootis-J is a bald Russian man BIG SHAVED BEAR THAT HATES PEOPLE with a tendency to shout "Pootis". Like most members of its species, it is able to kill people, and regularly eats twice its own weight in Ham each day. SCP-Pootis-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with Fuckers, which causes it to turn into Spy. Whenever this happens, all Anuses within a Vodka kilometer radius will begin to Heal uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties. In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Heavy Weapons Guy. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-Pootis-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time. Recovery Log: SCP-Pootis-J was first located in Teufort where the Blu team were using it in order to steal Heavy's sandvich. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force Sandvich-7 (Red Team) was able to recover the object with only 7,000,000,000 civilian casualties. Addendum: Test Log Pootis-1 Dr. Titty Slapper McGee: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Titty Slapper McGee, and I am about to test SCP-Pootis's reaction to Sandvich. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Heavy Weapons Guy? Dr. Heavy Weapons Guy: Yes sir, ready to begin test. Dr. Titty Slapper McGee: Excellent! I am now introducing the Sandvich to Pootis... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material. Dr. Heavy Weapons Guy: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'. Titty Slapper McGee: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN Blood! IT'S GOT MEIN Blood! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY! END LOG CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█ Item #: SCP-1-J Object Class: Who gives a fuck Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1-J is to be kept in a cock-lined containment chamber located in Site 19, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 1 professional chef armed with a burning 4 wheeled yellow and orange Spitfire. In the event that SCP-1-J ever begins blitzkrieging its rectum, General Testiclefondler is to cockslap SCP-1-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force Psi-7 (Shit's Dicks) is to be dispatched to SCP-1-J's last known location. Description: SCP-1-J is a shit taking mammoth. Like most members of its species, it is able to kill the population of Angola, and regularly eats twice its own weight in cock each day. SCP-1-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with a huge pile of shit, which causes it to turn into a small, pissed off chimpanzee. Whenever this happens, all the states of the US within a 124812790 kilometer radius will begin to implode uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties. In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to someone's 135 year old grandmother. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-1-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time. Recovery Log: SCP-1-J was first located in Rio de Janeiro where the the entire population of Russia were using it in order to invade and annex the state of Florida. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force Psi-7 (Shit's Dicks) was able to recover the object with only 21479120471290 civilian casualties. Addendum: Test Log 1-1 Dr. Cockessen: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Cockessen, and I am about to test SCP-1's reaction to fanny. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Fuckerton? Dr. Fuckerton: Yes sir, ready to begin test. Dr. Cockessen: Excellent! I am now introducing the fanny to 1... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material. Dr. Fuckerton: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'. Cockessen: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN PENIS! IT'S GOT MEIN PENIS! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY! END LOG CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█ Item #: SCP-420-J Object Class: Weed Special Containment Procedures: SCP-420-J is to be kept in a marijuana -lined containment chamber located in Site 19, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 7 Norwegian policemen armed with Norwegian flags. In the event that SCP-420-J ever begins smoking its weed, Officer Bjorn Titsukken is to drop it like it's hot with SCP-420-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force Eta-7 (Anal Avengers) is to be dispatched to SCP-420-J's last known location. Description: SCP-420-J is a very high rapper. Like most members of its species, it is able to get really fucking stoned, and regularly eats twice its own weight in marijuana each day. SCP-420-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with a pimp in the crib, which causes it to turn into a dropped hot object. Whenever this happens, all sons of bitches within a 134 kilometer radius will begin to drop it like it's hot uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties. In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Snoop Dogg. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-420-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time. Recovery Log: SCP-420-J was first located in New York where the Swedish were using it in order to devour all of the Finns. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force Eta-7 (Anal Avengers) was able to recover the object with only at least 100 civilian casualties. Addendum: Test Log 420-1 Dr. Who gives a diddily fuckshit: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Who gives a diddily fuckshit, and I am about to test SCP-420's reaction to sons of bitches. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Penis Devourer?Dr. Penis Devourer: Yes sir, ready to begin test. Dr. Who gives a diddily fuckshit: Excellent! I am now introducing the sons of bitches to 420... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material. Dr. Penis Devourer: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'. Who gives a diddily fuckshit: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN WEED! IT'S GOT MEIN WEED! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY! END LOG Category:Blog posts